I never used to experience the presence of people in my dreams, but lately have been more often. This morning I experienced the presence of my old friend Wigg.
Wigg was a work colleague at the office job I had during all of my Twenties. Like many of us he didnt like it there much, but he persevered and progressed into the IT department and a good salary. Punctual and dedicated at work, Wigg was great fun outside of it, a keen cider drinker and weed smoker, had a massive music collection and was a keen festival goer, introducing me to Reading (I didn’t like it much), Glastonbury (I loved it) and Nick Drake (broke as I was I bought the CD boxed set). He was universally liked, generous and friendly, although it was noticed that he never talked much about himself.
It was a total shock when he killed himself around ten years ago by jumping in front of a train.
It later transpired that he had been planning this for some time, ensuring that his Sister would be ok financially and his affairs were in order, and even travelling to a known suicide spot to minimise the danger of complication. He may have been planning it for months.
In my dream, he was there, organising some drinks with friends, and all I could do was to cry. Although I slept in longer, the memory was still quite vivid when I started to awake properly, and I was able to admit to my partner to feelings of helplessness, uselessnes, impotence and inadequacy.
It wasn’t until shortly my meditation later in the morning that I thought further about it, and quite suddenly experienced the grief and release in waking that I had experienced in my dream.
I let the feelings come and sat with them, a very calm state quite quickly followed, after which my thoughts turned to him again and I missed him. I wish I could have been there for him with the additional experience I have now, perhaps I could have engaged with him better and maybe made a difference. Maybe not. In any case, theres no going back, and my experience of him in life and in death are all part of the person I am now, and I don’t regret one moment one bit.
Back then I probably wasn’t able to properly process all my feelings and the suddenness of his departure may not have helped, but maybe now I’m coming to terms.